A Neptune Christmas Carol
by Heavenli24
Summary: On Christmas Eve, Veronica gets a wake-up call and realises she needs to make some changes if she wants to keep Logan in her life. Spoilers for everything. S4 fix-it. Written for the Veronica Mars Gift Exchange 2019


**Title**: A Neptune Christmas Carol  
**Pairing: **Logan/Veronica  
**Rating**: Mature  
**Summary:** On Christmas Eve, Veronica gets a wake-up call and realises she needs to make some changes if she wants to keep Logan in her life. Spoilers for everything.  
**Notes**: Written for the Veronica Mars Gift Exchange 2019 (for Di)

* * *

**Christmas Eve 2020**

Veronica wakes with a gasp, shivering as a cold draft from the window drifts across her bare skin. Blinking the sleep from her eyes, she reaches down to grab Logan's shirt from the floor—the one she carelessly discarded earlier when they spent several hours making love—and pulls it on over her head. She slides out of the bed and pads over to the window to pull it closed… except it's already shut.

She frowns. "Okay, then."

Turning back toward the bed, she stops in her tracks when she sees Logan's side is empty, the sheets appearing not to have even been slept in.

"What the hell?" she mutters. _He was right there a moment ago. _"Logan?"

"Oh, he's not gonna hear you," comes an airy, sing-song voice, seemingly out of nowhere.

"Shit!" Veronica nearly jumps out of her skin. "Is someone there?"

"Not exactly…" comes the voice again.

"Show yourself," Veronica demands, crossing her arms protectively over her chest as she squares her shoulders.

"Now, don't freak out, okay?"

"I'm waiting."

A figure emerges from the shadows in the corner of the room, and Veronica's mouth drops open in shock when she sees who it is.

"Lilly?" she mutters faintly, then shakes her head at the site of her dead best friend standing in front of her. She looks the same as the last time she saw her, dressed in her pep squad outfit, bloody wound on her temple. "No, no… I'm seeing things. I'm fucking seeing things."

"Well, yes… and no…" Lilly shrugs. "Yes, you are seeing me, but technically, I'm not really here."

"Okay, I get it. I'm dreaming."

"Not quite. I'm visiting. Just for the night."

Veronica raises a sceptical eyebrow. "So, you're a ghost?"

"If that's the term you wanna use, then, yeah, I guess."

"Right…and you're visiting me, why?"

"To show you, Veronica Mars."

"Show me _what_, exactly?" Veronica sighs impatiently. "And where the fuck is Logan?"

"Oh, he's still here." Lilly nods toward the bed. "Fast asleep. You just can't see him right now. And to answer your question, I'm here to show you who you are."

Veronica bristles. "What's that supposed to mean? I know exactly who I am."

Lilly raises an eyebrow. "Do you? Really?"

"Of course I do," she retorts.

"If you say so," Lilly responds breezily, before gesturing for Veronica to join her. "Come on, we gotta go."

"Go where?"

Lilly narrows her eyes. "Have you always asked this many questions?"

Veronica just glares at her.

"Okay, okay. Geez, you were so much nicer the last time I came to see you. I told you, I'm here to show you who you are. And in order to do that, we have to go somewhere else."

"Well, in that case, I need to put more clothes on."

"Oh, don't worry. You'll be fine like that."

Veronica looks at her disbelievingly. "I will?"

"Yes." Lilly sighs impatiently. "Now, come on."

Hesitantly, and with one more look at the empty bed, Veronica walks across the small bedroom towards her best friend's ghost.

"Thank you," says Lilly when Veronica finally joins her. "Let's go."

Before Veronica even has time to blink, the room around her dissolves into a bright, white light. She shields her eyes so it doesn't blind her, and when the light finally fades, she takes in their surroundings with a frown.

"We're in my living room?" she asks, looking sceptical. "You had to do a whole light-show, teleportation thing just to travel a few feet?"

"No, silly," Lilly admonishes. "We haven't only moved rooms… check the calendar."

She nods toward the wall and Veronica follows her gaze, her eyes landing on the small calendar above the kitchen counter.

December 2018.

Two years ago.

Veronica looks around the room. It's dark and silent. The whole place is. Even Pony, curled up in her bed in the corner of the living room, is fast asleep, quiet and unmoving.

"Right, and what you have to show me is… my empty apartment?" She turns to Lilly with a sceptical look, before nodding toward Pony. "Or am I here to witness some canine-related miracle?"

"Just wait, okay?" Lilly gives a long-suffering sigh. "Geez."

As if on cue, the apartment door flies open and Veronica's mouth falls open in surprise when she witnesses herself and Logan spilling through the doorway, unsuccessfully trying to muffle their laughter as Logan catches the other Veronica around the waist and spins her around. He pulls her to him, lowering his mouth to hers in a heated kiss. Veronica's eyes are drawn to the way his forearm muscles flex against her back as he holds her younger self.

"What is this, Lilly?" Veronica asks, wincing as she realises how loud her voice is.

"Don't worry, they can't see or hear us," Lilly assures her. "We're not really here, we're just… taking a trip down memory lane."

_Okay, but what exactly happened two years ago that's worthy of a trip down memory lane?_

"What, like some _Christmas Carol_ shit?" Veronica snorts at the absurdity of the situation. "So, are you my 'Ghost of Christmas Past' or something?"

"Not exactly." Lilly grins. "But you're halfway there. You_ will _be visiting your Christmas Past, Present and Future tonight, but there won't be any other ghosts showing up… I'm going to be your only guide."

"Seriously?" Veronica shakes her head. "You gotta be shitting me. I'm sorry, but this can't really be happening."

"Really?" Lilly challenges. "Why not?"

"Because it's ludicrous, Lilly!" Veronica throws up her hands in exasperation. "This is real life, there's no such thing as time-travel… or ghosts, for that matter."

"No?" Lilly raises an eyebrow. "So, you were just imagining me back in high school? Before the bus crash? I saved your life that day, you know."

_No, that had to have just been my imagination… right?_

"No, that was…"

"Shh…" says Lilly suddenly, cutting her off. "We're getting to the good bit."

Veronica looks back at her younger self, caught up in Logan's arms.

She remembers this night. They'd spent the evening at Wallace and Shae's old apartment for their annual Christmas Eve gathering. It was just a small affair with a few close friends: she and Logan, Mac and her current boyfriend, and two other couples that Wallace and Shae knew through Neptune High and the law firm. It had been a fun night, though Veronica had been eager to get home, to celebrate Christmas properly with Logan. He'd only just returned from an extremely long, eight-month deployment a few days ago, and with all the jetlag and exhaustion, and trying to adjust to sharing their personal space with each other again, they hadn't really had time to _catch up_ yet.

Veronica's heart skips a little as she watches herself run her hands down over Logan's chest, then reach for his belt buckle, tugging on it impatiently as she begins walking them backwards. Logan chuckles against her younger self's mouth and present-day Veronica lifts her fingers to her lips, feeling them tingle at the memory of that sensation.

They stumble towards the couch, tumbling down onto the cushions, Logan falling on top of her with a breathy 'oof' and they both laugh as Logan mutters, "Smooth, huh?"

"Very," Veronica murmurs in amusement, before she pulls him down to her again and slides one leg up, hooking it around the back of his thigh as she kisses him enthusiastically.

Standing there by the couch, Veronica is suddenly painfully aware of how awkward this is; not only is she watching the younger versions of Logan and herself get it on—which is, God help her, actually turning her on—but the ghost of sixteen-year-old Lilly Kane is right beside her witnessing it all as well.

"Totally hot, right?" Lilly whispers in her ear, causing Veronica to jump, her hand coming to her heart.

"Shit! Don't do that."

"I mean, look at him now. All hard muscles and perfect body." Lilly eyes Logan hungrily as he rises up onto his knees and pulls his shirt over his head. "And look at _you_."

"Lilly!"

Scandalised, Veronica turns to her dead best friend, only to find she's no longer looking at the couple on the couch but at _her_, clad in nothing but Logan's shirt.

"I'm telling you, Veronica." Lilly shoots her a smirk and a wink. "Logan and I talked threesomes once and let's just say, _you_ were definitely on the table."

Veronica gasps in outrage. "I would never!"

Lilly tilts her head in thought, before she nods in agreement. "No, back then, you definitely wouldn't have, which is why the discussion was purely hypothetical. Now though? Well, you tell me."

"No." She shakes her head quickly, blanching at that idea. "No way. That's just… weird. And gross. There's no way I could share him, Lils."

"Not even with me?"

Lilly's looking at her with wide, playful eyes, but Veronica just frowns. "Lilly, you're dead. That would be even weirder and grosser than an actual threesome."

"But that's the point, isn't it?" She shrugs. "I'm dead, so it would only ever be a fantasy anyway."

Veronica's mouth opens, and then closes, at a loss for words. She shakes her head dismissively and glances back at the couple, still getting hot and heavy on the couch.

"Look this night is strange enough without talk of threesomes and ghost sex, and let's not even get into the voyeurism we're currently taking part in," says Veronica with a shudder. "So, can we actually get to the purpose of this little trip back through time, please?"

"Fine. Fine." Lilly sighs. "We'll just have to fast-forward through this part."

She waves her hand and there's another flash of bright white light. Veronica feels like she's floating for a moment, but then the light fades and her feet return to solid ground again. They're back in the apartment bedroom, where 2018 Logan and Veronica are now snuggled together under the covers.

"So, big news tonight, huh?" murmurs Logan softly as he plays with Veronica's hair. "Wallace and Shae having a baby."

"Yeah, it is," replies Veronica, her eyes closed, cheek resting against his chest. "I'm happy for them."

"Me, too," he agrees. "They're doing well, huh? Good jobs, nice apartment, happily married, and now baby makes three."

"Yeah."

There's a pause, and in the corner of the room, Veronica sucks in a breath as she remembers what comes next in this conversation.

"Do you, uh," starts Logan hesitantly, "ever think about it?"

Veronica's eyes open then and she snorts as she lifts her head. "What, kids?"

"Yeah."

She chuckles. "Can you seriously see _us_ with kids?"

Logan shrugs. "I don't know. Maybe."

"With our lifestyles, though?" she counters. "I work crazy hours and you deploy for months at a time. That's not exactly a suitable environment for raising a child."

Logan kisses her temple with a soft smile. "I know, but forget about our actual lives for a minute. If it was just you and me, here in Neptune, no dangerous career choices or long periods away from home, would you ever consider it?"

"I don't know." Veronica sighs, dropping her head back down to his chest again. "I've never really wanted to settle down and have kids. I haven't really given it any thought."

"Never?" Logan frowns, though he doesn't seem particularly bothered by her answer. "Not even when we took Hunter to Magic Mountain for his birthday and he got sick and you took care of him like a pro, or what about that Navy barbecue last summer when Flash brought her new baby and you spent half the afternoon trying to make her smile at you?"

Her younger self is silent for a moment, and watching her, Veronica feels her chest tighten uncomfortably. She hasn't thought about this conversation in a long time.

"Maybe I've thought about it once or twice," younger Veronica admits softly. "But, Logan, that's just a fantasy… a pipe-dream that could only ever be a reality in a perfect world, and this world is anything but perfect. I don't want to raise a child into this shit-show of a life we lead; I won't."

"I can understand that," Logan tells her gently. "And I guess I feel the same—it's hella scary out there right now. But, I also see Flash with her daughter, and the other guys on the squadron with their kids, and sometimes I can't help but wonder, you know, what it would be like."

"Yeah… I guess. Maybe," she concedes. "But don't go getting any ideas or anything. This is a strictly hypothetical conversation."

Logan's lips twitch at her complete lack of enthusiasm, and older Veronica's chest tightens even more as a lump begins to form in her throat.

"Hey, Veronica?" he whispers a second later

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

She lifts her head again, looking up into his eyes. "I love you, too."

"No matter what," he tells her seriously. "I mean it. You and me, we're in this together. Whatever happens."

"We are."

She gives him a soft, tender smile as she rises up to press her lips to his. She pulls him to her as she deepens the kiss, shifting onto her back as he moves with her.

"Merry Christmas, Logan," she murmurs softly when they part, lifting her hand to cup his jaw.

"Okay, that's about enough of that," announces Lilly, her voice loud and jarring in the soft quiet of the room. "We have other places to be."

Without warning, they're bathed in white light again and the weightless feeling returns.

* * *

When the light fades, Veronica finds herself back in the apartment living room again, but this time, she and Lilly are on the other side of the room, near the front door. Their Christmas tree stands in front of the balcony doors, and the lights they strung up after Thanksgiving are twinkling over the windows. Her gaze immediately falls on the calendar on the wall. December 2020.

"We're back? To the present?"

"Not quite." Lilly gives her a knowing smile. "Watch and see."

The sound of keys turning in the door draws her attention back to their surroundings and she looks over to see Logan entering the apartment, pushing his recently-acquired bike through.

"Hey, I'm home," he calls out. "You here?"

"In the bathroom." Veronica hears her own voice reply from down the hallway.

"This was two weeks ago, why are you showing me this?" Veronica demands to know. "It's not even Christmas yet."

Lilly gives her a shrug and a smile. "Because you need to see, Veronica."

"See what?"

"Just keep watching, okay?"

Veronica sighs. "Fine."

Logan manoeuvres the bike along the wall to the left, right where she and Lilly are standing, and Veronica instinctively jumps out of the way, before she realises that they aren't really here and that no one can see them. He props it against the wall, then crosses the room, tugging off his backpack and placing it down on the kitchen counter. The other version of her appears from the hallway, dressed in tight jeans, black boots and a leather jacket.

"Hey," she greets him with a quick peck on the lips. "You're back late."

"Had an appointment with Jane after work," he says with a shrug. "I told you this morning."

"Oh, yeah. Right," she mutters, turning toward the fridge and grabbing a bottle of water from it. She closes the door and stuffs the bottle in her messenger bag, then glances toward the bike against the wall. "I see you're really getting into this green lifestyle thing."

"Yeah, why not? Might as well do my part to help save the environment."

"Logan, you drive your BMW convertible to San Diego and back every day and fly a fighter jet that burns like, 5,000 lbs of fuel an hour. I really don't think a few minutes on a bike now and then is gonna offset that."

"_Used_ to fly a fighter jet," he corrects with a smirk. "See, I'm doing my bit."

"Right. Used to." She forces a smile, swinging her bag over her shoulder and heading for the door.

"Hey, where are you going?" Logan turns to her with a frown.

"Got a new case," she replies airily.

"I thought we had plans tonight?"

"I sent you a text," she says in explanation. "Like an hour ago."

Logan sighs. "Veronica, you know I turn my phone off when I'm in therapy."

"Well, I forgot you had a session today, didn't I?" she counters.

"It's on the fucking calendar, Veronica," Logan responds in frustration. "You could've just checked."

"Well, I'm sorry I don't always have time to look at the 'fucking calendar'. I do have a life too, you know."

"Didn't say you didn't."

Past Veronica checks her watch, then opens the door. "Look, I have to go. Don't wait up."

She disappears through it, the door closing firmly behind her, leaving Logan standing at the kitchen counter, gazing after her forlornly.

"Oh, don't worry, I won't," he mutters, hurt in his eyes. "I know better than that."

Beside Veronica, Lilly murmurs, "Oh dear… I think someone needs to work on her communication skills."

Veronica turns to her in irritation. "I'll have you know that Logan and I spent _hours_ working on our communication skills earlier tonight, and believe me, there is _nothing_ wrong with them."

"Ok-ay."

"And this was just a stupid argument," she reasons, gesturing toward Logan, who is now digging through his backpack. "Couples argue. It's normal."

"If you say so."

She frowns. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Lilly just quirks an eyebrow, looking smug.

"Enough with the games, okay, Lilly? You're obviously trying to get at something here, so just spill it already."

Lilly shakes her head, giving a secretive smirk. "Sorry, no can do. You're gonna have to see it for yourself."

She waves her hand, and the room disappears into brightness once more.

* * *

This time, Veronica finds herself in an unfamiliar office building. The room they're in looks to be a reception – there's a secretary sitting at a desk, typing on a laptop, and a couple of sofa chairs surround a coffee table. The décor is plain, the walls white, and tasteful flowers in a vase sit atop the coffee table.

"Oh, sorry. Wrong room," says Lilly with an apologetic shrug.

She clicks her fingers and they're transported into another room with similar décor. Veronica exhales heavily as she lands on a comfortable sofa, Lilly now sitting beside her.

"Where are we?" she mutters.

"See for yourself."

She looks across the room to see a middle-aged woman with long, dark hair sitting in a comfortable armchair on one side of the room. She has glasses perched on her nose and a notepad in her lap. Opposite her, a few feet away, sitting on a sofa and kneading a stress-ball between his fingers, is Logan.

"Oh, you gotta be shitting me." Veronica rolls her eyes. "You're making me sit through one of Logan's therapy sessions? Isn't that illegal? Patient-doctor confidentiality and all that?"

"Maybe." Lilly gives a shrug. "But who's gonna know, huh? I'm dead and we're not even physically here anyway."

Veronica shakes her head. Her stomach twisting uncomfortably. She feels sick. "I can't, Lilly. I can't do this."

"I know you don't want to… and yeah, you're right, this probably is morally questionable… but I think you need to."

She blanches. "Believe me, I really don't."

"It's important, Veronica," Lilly insists. "I know you don't understand yet, but you will."

Veronica opens her mouth to respond, but Jane's voice cuts through anything she was going to say.

"Have you talked to Veronica about how you're feeling?"

Logan squeezes the stress ball in his hand, his jaw clenching. "I've tried, but she refuses to listen. It's like she won't even try."

Jane's brows draw together in thought. "How have you approached it with her?"

Logan shrugs. "I've told her how talking to you is helping me, and I've suggested she might consider therapy too. But all I get is sarcastic, mocking retorts. She just dismisses any suggestion that she might need help."

Jane gives a sigh. "Look, I know you have good intentions, but you can't force someone to attend therapy if they aren't open to it. They have to want to help themselves."

Logan frowns in annoyance. "So what am I supposed to do? We can't keep living like this; it's gonna ruin us."

"I know you love her, Logan, but you have to think about your happiness too," says Jane gently. "Listen, it's not uncommon for children of abuse to cling to unhealthy relationships. Often, when abuse and manipulation is all they've known, they end up locked in those types of relationships because they don't realise or understand that there are better things for them out there, that they deserve better."

"That's not what this is," counters Logan stubbornly. "Veronica loves me. I know she does. And I love her. She's the love of my life and I'm hers. We're meant to be together."

"I don't doubt that you love each other, Logan. Your long and intricate history with her shows you have something very special, but sometimes love, and being 'meant to be'... well, they just aren't enough, not if only one of you is willing to put in the work."

Across the room, Veronica snorts incredulously. "Is she implying I'm not pulling my weight in the relationship?"

Beside her, Lilly shrugs, deliberately looking away. "If the shoe fits…"

"I pull my fucking weight," insists Veronica. "I do."

"You've made so much progress over the last couple of years, Logan," says Jane then, "and I don't want to see you throw that away for an unhealthy relationship with Veronica."

"Our relationship is _not_ unhealthy," Logan protests, looking offended. "I mean, I know we're having a tough time right now, but it's normal to go through things like this sometimes."

"Is it?"

"What the hell does that mean?"

Jane just looks at him for a long moment, before changing tacks. "Look… from what you've told me, Veronica has been through an awful lot herself. How has she been dealing with her own trauma?"

Logan is silent for several seconds, before he lets out a heavy sigh. "You know, I don't think she is dealing, not really. She's always been this incredibly strong, resilient woman - it's something I've always admired about her, actually. How she was able to put everything she'd been though behind her and still remain standing. But lately… I don't know. I'm starting to wonder if she hasn't just been pushing it all down, pretending it doesn't exist instead of actually coming to terms with it all."

Jane nods in understanding. "I'll tell you what, after everything you've told me about what you both went through in high school and college, I wouldn't be surprised if that's exactly what she's been doing."

"Yeah." Logan nods, taking that in. "I admit, I find it hard to understand why she seems so against therapy when she has a psychology degree herself."

"Well, sometimes, recognising what will help others and recognising what will help yourself are two completely different things," Jane tells him gently. "She may not be able to see that she's in need of help herself."

"Fuck that!" Veronica bursts out. "Who does she think she is? She doesn't know me. Or what I need."

"You think?" asks Logan.

"It's a very real possibility," says Jane. "Listen, while right now it may seem like she's not in a position to accept help, if she ever is, I know someone who I think would be able to work well with her. And if you do ever decide to seek couple's counselling, I can recommend someone for you to speak to as well."

"Thank you, Jane." Logan's tone is sincere. "I really appreciate it."

"I just want you to be happy and healthy, Logan."

Logan gives a small, melancholy smile. "Yeah, me too."

* * *

The room disappears then, and Veronica finds herself and Lilly standing in the receptionist area again. Her mind is spinning right now. On the one hand, she's pissed that Logan is talking to Jane, his _therapist_, about her and their private, personal life, but on the other, she can't stop thinking about the distraught look on Logan's face as he spoke about her back there.

"Lilly, I don't know what you were trying to accomplish with this little stunt, but—"

"Don't you see, Veronica?" Lilly interrupts. "That man in there, he would do _anything_ for you. He loves you more than life itself. He's _always_ loved you."

"No, Lilly, he loved _you_ first."

Lilly shakes her head. "What Logan and I had… it was teenage lust. I'm sure he thought it was love at the time, but it was that crazy kind of first love that seemed like it would be forever, but in reality, it was never gonna last."

"You don't know that."

"I do, Veronica," Lilly says gently. "And not just because I hurt him, but because it was different with you. I still don't think you understand."

"What do you mean?"

For him, it's _always_ been you. Here, I'll show you."

This time, Lilly just touches her forehead and instead of being transported to another time and place, various scenes start flashing before her eyes.

** _Flash_ **

She's in the den of the old Kane mansion, where an elaborately-decorated Christmas tree stands tall and proud in the bay window. Logan is sprawled out on the couch, Lilly sitting between his legs, while Veronica is curled up at the other end with Duncan sitting on the floor in front of her. There are candy wrappers and half-empty popcorn bowls strewn across the coffee table, and Die Hard is playing on the TV. It's just before Christmas, Freshman year… December 2002. Lilly and Logan have just gotten back together after one of their frequent off-again periods, and Duncan still hasn't worked up the courage to ask Veronica out.

As Lilly and Duncan argue over whether or not Die Hard can really be considered a Christmas movie, Logan glances at Lilly for a moment, and seeing she is completely caught up in educating Duncan about what constitutes a Christmas movie, he catches Veronica's eye, before shifting his foot and nudging Veronica's toes with his.

She remembers this moment well, remembers the weird flush of embarrassment she felt at sharing that small moment of companionship with Logan. Back then she never could have imagined they would end up where they are now.

** _Flash_ **

She's in Logan's teenage bedroom now. It's dark, the only illumination coming from the Christmas lights in the trees outside. Her eyes struggling to adjust to the light, Veronica jumps when something flies past her and crashes loudly against the wall beside her. Her head whips around to see Logan standing in the middle of the room, fists clenched and tears running down his face.

"Why did you do it, huh?" he shouts. "You're no better than the rest of them."

He stares down at the broken object on the ground.

"Lilly's gone, and Duncan's a fucking zombie," he cries out through his sobs, finally sinking down onto the end of the bed. "You were the only one I had left and you abandoned me, too."

His gaze flicks to her then, and Veronica freezes. It's like he's staring right at her.

_Shit_.

She forces herself to tear her gaze away, instead focusing on the floor, on what Logan was staring at. It's a shattered photo frame, containing a candid photo of her.

** _Flash_ **

The Echolls pool house comes into view now, the scene a familiar one she remembers all too well. The poker game the night of the Echolls Christmas Party Junior year. The night she solved the mystery of the missing poker money. The night Aaron was stabbed.

For a moment, she watches her teenage-self move around the table, clearing each of the suspects in turn, but it only takes a second for her eyes to be drawn to Logan. He's watching her younger self with a little smirk on his face, his lips twitching and eyebrows rising when she admits that he's actually not so much of an evil-doer. Older Veronica is aware he still hated her at this point—and he certainly made that clear at the time—but the look in his eyes confuses her. His expression clears a second later and she dismisses it… until seventeen-year-old Veronica sits down at the card table, shuffling and dealing the cards. She missed it back then, but this time, her eyes are glued to Logan's face… and is she mistaken or does he look impressed?

** _Flash_ **

This time, Veronica finds herself in the Presidential Suite of the Neptune Grand… Logan's home for much of senior year of high school and freshman year of college. Given that the glimpses she's seen so far have been chronological Christmas seasons, if she had to guess, she'd say this must be Christmas of 2005… if she remembers correctly, this was when she'd been stuck in jury duty over Christmas Break. There are no decorations in the hotel room though, giving no indication of the time of year at all.

It takes her a moment to gauge her surroundings, but then she spots Logan sitting alone on the couch, his back hunched over and his hands covering his mouth, sleeves pulled over his fingers. She crosses the room and perches on the edge of the ottoman in front of him.

"Logan…" she breathes out when she sees the tears in his eyes. "What happened?"

She turns her head, realising he's watching something on the TV. She gasps sharply when she sees Lilly and Aaron on the screen.

"Oh God," she murmurs.

She knows he saw the tapes back then, but she never really thought about what it was like for him to actually watch them.

The tape comes to an end and he stands, brushing past her and retrieving the tape from the recorder. She watches with a lump in her throat as he returns to the ottoman and kneels beside it. That's when she notices the tapes lined up neatly in the middle. He runs a degausser over the tape in his hand and positions it beside the other tapes, before lighting the identifying labels on fire and dropping them into the trash can. There's a knock on the door but Veronica can't tear her eyes away from the look of complete devastation on his face. She should have been here for him back then. He needed her, while she was off pretending she was happy with Duncan.

** _Flash_ **

It takes Veronica several confused moments to realise where she is this time, but then she remembers what happened during Christmas break in Freshman year of college, and her heart sinks in realisation.

"Oh, hell no." She looks heavenward. "You can't make me watch this."

Of course, no one answers her, so she's forced to witness it all unfold, here in this cosy, log-cabin hotel bar in Aspen.

It's not hard to spot Logan… he's slumped at the bar, head propped up on one hand, clearly intoxicated as he mumbles something unintelligible. Veronica makes her way over there, slipping into the small space between him and the next bar stool over, and takes a good look at him.

He's a mess. His eyes are hooded and bloodshot, his face is pale, and he can barely even hold his head up. He blinks a couple of times, then frowns in confusion, his eyes focusing right on her.

His hand comes up, reaching out as he mumbles, "V'ronica?"

She freezes, eyes widening in shock. He can't possibly see her, right? She isn't really here. This is just a memory.

"Yeah, right," comes a new voice.. "I look nothing like that stick insect."

Madison.

Veronica closes her eyes, nausea starting to bubble up in her stomach. This can't be happening.

"V'ronica… M'sorry," Logan continues in his mutterings. "Didn't mean.. love you… so much. Didn't want to..."

"Oh, puh-lease!" Madison scoffs. "Give me a break. Breaking up with that bitch was the best decision you ever made."

"Not a bitch…" Logan mutters. "She's beautiful and am-amazing."

"Okay, this is just pathetic." Madison looks disgusted. "You know what you need Echolls? You need a _real_ woman."

"Are you…" Logan squints. "You're not… where'd V'ronica go?"

"That bitch isn't here, Logan. It's just you and me, now."

"No, she was here. Jus' talkin' t'her. Where's she?"

"I'm here, Logan," Veronica whispers, reaching out to him, even though she can't actually touch him. "I'm right here."

"Okay, okay. I give in," Madison eventually sighs. "If this is what it takes, then… yes, it's me, Logan, it's Veronica."

She reaches over to him now and rests her hand on his arm.

"Ronnie?" The hopefulness in his tone almost breaks Veronica's heart. "It's really you?"

"It's me, Logan." Madison gives him a sickly-sweet smile that makes Veronica's blood boil. "Come on, let's get you up to bed, okay?"

Veronica can only watch in outrage as Madison helps him off the stool and guides him up towards the bedrooms.

"That fucking little bitch!"

She fumes, hands clenching by her sides.

At least she knows now that Logan really wasn't in his right mind that Christmas in Aspen. He thought he was with _her_, not Madison... he probably didn't even realise what he'd done until the next morning.

** _Flash_ **

She's at a party in the Neptune Grand, where Logan and Dick are totally smashed and surrounded by scantily-clad college girls. It's Christmas 2007, judging by the banner strung over the fireplace. This is the first Christmas after she left Neptune for Stanford. Logan is downing one drink after another, seemingly unaware of, or unable to control, what he's doing. Or, from the look in his eyes, maybe he just doesn't care.

The scene quickly changes to the next morning; Dick is passed out on one of the couches, while Logan, bleary-eyed and with a half-drunk bottle of whisky in hand, is sitting on the floor in front of the couch staring at a photo forlornly. Veronica rounds the sofa to see what he's looking at.

It's a photo of her.

"Still love you, Veronica," he mumbles, almost incoherently, before passing out himself.

** _Flash_ **

The Grand hotel room disappears, transforming into what seems to be some kind of residential facility.

Rehab. Logan's rehab. After his overdoses.

While she was up at Stanford, celebrating Christmas 2008 with her father, who'd flown up for the holidays, Logan had been stuck in here. It's hard enough for her to watch him attend meetings and sit through therapy sessions, but what really gets her is seeing him sitting all alone in his room on Christmas Day, tears in his eyes and that same photo of her in his hand.

** _Flash_ **

Christmas 2009 seems a little better for him. He's out of rehab, looks healthy at least, if not completely happy… and he's spending the holiday on a beach with Dick. They're relaxing, having fun, and there's not a drop or alcohol or glimpse of a naked woman in sight. He seems… content.

** _Flash_ **

The next year, 2010, he's alone again, living in an apartment now, but he seems to be doing well. Really well, actually. Dick is nowhere in sight this year , but Logan doesn't appear to be bothered by his friend's absence. Veronica follows him as he makes his way through the supermarket, humming a jaunty tune as he grabs various holiday-related food items. Without warning, he stops in his tracks, the apple in his hand falling into the basket, as he murmurs a soft and haunted, "Veronica?"

She glances in the direction he's staring, spotting a blonde head of hair disappearing around the corner. _Shit_. She remembers this Christmas. She was in her senior year at Stanford and had finally made it back home to Neptune for the holidays. Her father had insisted she make a last-minute run to the store that night for extra snacks. She hadn't even known Logan was there too.

** _Flash_ **

Christmas 2011 brings her to unfamiliar surroundings. She's in a small, mostly-bare apartment building. It appears to be in the middle of nowhere, but a glance out of the window reveals that she's on a military base. Of course. By this point, Logan had completed his OCS training and was in his first phase of flight school down in Pensacola.

The sound of laughter filters into the room and she watches as the door opens and Logan and another man walk through, carrying take-out bags.

Logan heads into the kitchen area, pulling out plates and cutlery and a couple of cans of soda, and then the two of them settle onto the couch. The cans are opened and take-out containers emptied onto the plates, and then Logan and his friend make a toast.

"Well, here's to a crappy Christmas," says Logan cheerfully.

"And a sucky New Year," his friend adds, as they clink their cans together. "Thanks for inviting me, man. Nothing like being the only two without family to visit for the holidays, huh?"

"Yeah." Logan nods as he takes a gulp of soda. "Nothing like it."

"Oh, hey," says the other guy a moment later, pointing to a photo frame standing on the side table. "Who's that?"

"Oh, that's Veronica."

"Okay, and?" The other man gestures impatiently. "Spill, man: who's Veronica?"

** _Flash_ **

The next scene is completely different again. This time, Logan is in a nice house, sitting at a long dining table, eating Christmas dinner with a group of people—a family, it seems. Veronica has no idea who they are, but they seem to be familiar with Logan.

During a lull in the conversation, Logan puts down his knife and fork and addresses the head of the table. "Thank you for inviting me to spend Christmas with you, Mrs. Knight."

"Oh, don't be silly, Logan." The middle-aged woman leans over and pats his hand with a smile. "I'm not about to leave a friend—and fellow serviceman—of Tom's to spend Christmas alone when we have extra space."

"Well, thank you again," he says again.

"You're welcome here anytime, Logan."

Logan just smiles at that, then looks down at his plate. When he looks up again, Veronica sees a much softer expression on his face as he glances around at the people surrounding him. It's a look of wonder, and almost disbelief… if she had to guess, she'd say he was in awe of the happy, loving household he'd found himself in.

"So, Logan, Tom mentioned you don't have any family nearby," says a balding man in his thirties, who Veronica can only assume is an older brother or a cousin. "No girlfriend, either?"

"Uh, not right now, John," says Logan. "Been just a tad busy lately, what with flying jets and all."

"What about Veronica?" pipes up a younger guy. Tom, if she had to guess.

Logan shoots him a look of annoyance. "Dude."

"Who's Veronica?" wonders a teenage kid at the other end of the table.

"She's no one."

"She's the love of his life," Tom adds helpfully. "The one who got away."

Logan's jaw clenches and Veronica sees his hand clamp around his fork in frustration.

"Seriously, man. Drop it."

Tom lifts his hands in surrender. "Okay, okay. I'm dropping it."

** _Flash_ **

The location of Logan's Christmas celebration in 2013 is even more jarring than the previous year. Now, Veronica finds herself in what she can only assume is the ready room of an aircraft carrier.

Logan is in his flight suit, hanging with his squadron-mates in the recliner chairs as they watch a movie—Die Hard, in fact. Veronica crosses the room, coming to stand behind the chair Logan is occupying. Though she knows he can't see or hear her, she can't help but reach out to lay a hand on his shoulder. Logan shifts slightly, before he pats his breast pocket and then fishes out the photo she knows he keeps there. That very same photo of her. He looks down at it with a smile, then runs a finger over her face, before shoving it back into his pocket before anyone else notices.

** _Flash_ **

By Christmas 2014, he's back in Neptune. This time, he's at a restaurant… and he's not alone. Veronica frowns when she realises he's eating an intimate meal with none other than Carrie Bishop… or should that be Bonnie DeVille?

She has no right to be jealous, she knows that. She also knows all about Carrie, and Logan's relationship with her… but after seeing several of Logan's Christmases where it was obvious he were still pining for her, Veronica, it's hard seeing him with someone else.

Logan and Carrie are sitting together in a booth, barely a couple of inches apart. Logan's arm is slung around her shoulders and he leans in as to kiss her temple as he laughs at something she's saying. The low lighting of the restaurant gives the whole scene a romantic atmosphere and Veronica hates that seeing him in love like this is affecting her so much. After all he's been through, he deserves to be happy.

** _Flash_ **

It's December 2015 now, not long before she'll be returning to Neptune, and the scene Veronica stumbles into this year makes her wish, for Logan's sake, that they could just go back to last year instead.

He's in Carrie's house, in the kitchen—she recognises it from the press coverage after Carrie died. Carrie is busy making cocktails, clearly high while doing so, and Logan is begging and pleading with her to get help; to go back to rehab, and actually stay there this time.

After witnessing his own downward spiral and eventual sobering up and healing earlier tonight, Veronica's heart goes out to him. He's trying so hard, but seeing Carrie now, just a few days before her death, it's obvious that she's too far gone to listen to him. Despite his best efforts, Logan was never going to be the one to 'cure' Carrie. Only she could have done that for herself.

"Just fuck off and leave me alone, Logan," slurs Carrie irritably. "We aren't together and you have no right to meddle in my life anymore. Why don't you just go back to your precious Veronica? We all know you've never gotten over her."

She pours her cocktail, then shoves him out of the way as she stumbles into another part of the house, leaving Logan staring after her, his expression a combination of hurt and guilt.

** _Flash_ **

Veronica blinks in confusion when she realises she's back in Jane's receptionist's office, Lilly standing before her with an expectant look on her face.

"Okay, I get it," Veronica says after a long silence. "All those years apart, he never stopped thinking about me." She takes a deep breath, before adding softly, "Never stopped loving me."

"_Do_ you get it?" questions Lilly. "Really?"

"What do you mean?"

"I think maybe it's time we saw the future," she says cryptically, waving her hand again.

* * *

This time, when the white light fades, Veronica finds herself outside. It's a grey, cloudy day, mild but breezy.

She frowns, puzzled by the fact that she's looking at a parking lot. "Where are—?"

"Turn around," says Lilly.

She does so, and lets out a soft, "oh" of surprise when she realises they're in a cemetery. Lilly touches her arm and she finds herself transported across the lawns, stopping behind a tall, marble gravestone.

The sound of sobbing from the other side of the grave draws her attention, and Veronica shifts to the side to see herself sitting in front of the grave. She's wearing all black: black shirt, black pants, black boots and a worn black leather jacket—Logan's favourite, actually—and tears are streaming down her face.

"Geez, who died?" present-day Veronica mutters flippantly, but when she glances at Lilly and sees tears in her dead best friend's eyes, she sobers quickly. "Shit, Lilly, who died?"

Lilly just shakes her head and nods towards future Veronica.

"I'm so sorry… I'm so s—" she's muttering over and over, reaching out to run her hand over the front of the gravestone. "This is all my fault. I never should have—"

She stops, her face crumpling as she doubles over, one hand still on the stone, the other wrapped around her waist. She shifts to the side, curling up beside the grave and resting her temple against it.

"How am I supposed to keep going?" she cries. "How do I keep living without you?"

Present Veronica looks to Lilly in alarm. "Please don't tell me that's Lo—?"

"I think you should take a look for yourself."

Lilly touches her arm and then she's standing in front of the grave. Veronica's body is covering part of the right side of it, but she can at least see the name engraved on the front:

_Logan Echolls-_

_03/30/1988-03/24/20-_

"Fuck," she breathes out, her hand coming to cover her mouth as she feels the emotion rising in her chest. "He's gone?"

Lilly is suddenly beside her, ghostly hand placed comfortingly on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Veronica."

She spins to face her former best friend, demanding to know, "When is this? How far in the future?"

Lilly looks at her with sympathy, before nodding towards the grave, where future Veronica has shifted again, returning to kneel before the grave, exposing the entire inscription now.

_Logan Echolls-Mars  
_ _03/30/1988 - 03/24/2021  
_ _"In the end, it's not the years in your life that count.  
_ _It's the life in your years." -Abraham Lincoln_

Veronica feels like she's going to vomit. She sinks down to the ground, beside her future self, and stares at the gravestone.

"March 24th 2021?" she murmurs faintly. "That's in three months. Logan's gonna die in three months?" She turns to Lilly. "And…God, Echolls-Mars. As in… we got married? Fuck, this can't be real… it's gotta be some kind of nightmare, right? I mean, we aren't even engaged. And Logan knows I never want to get married."

"It's not a nightmare, Veronica."

"It has to be," she insists. "There's no other logical explanation. There is no way I'm getting married in the next three months. No way." She glares in Lilly's direction, determination coursing through her. "Tell me what happened, Lilly. How did we go from fighting, to getting fucking married, to Logan... _dying_…" she chokes out the word, "...in just three months?"

When Lilly doesn't reply right away, she adds, "How did he die? Was it on duty?"

"I can't tell you that, Veronica," her friend says sorrowfully. "But you heard what the other you said right?"

"She said it was her fault." Her heart drops to her stomach. "Fuck, did I do something, Lilly? Did I cause this?"

"Let's just say that if things continue as they are, nothing is going to change," the ghost of her best friend says vaguely. "But you have the power change things, Veronica. You can stop it."

"How? I don't understand what I'm supposed to do."

"Think about what you've seen tonight; what I've shown you," Lilly says softly. "Logan loves you with his whole heart, Veronica. I might have been his first love, but you're his forever and always. He'll never love anyone else the way he loves you… but can you say the same about him?"

"Of course I feel the same about him," Veronica says indignantly. "How can you ask me that?"

"And when was the last time you showed him that, huh?" Lilly counters, leaving Veronica at a loss for words.

As hard as it is to admit, Lilly's right; she hasn't been fair to Logan lately. She's been selfish, putting her own shit first, and she's been ignoring his hurt and pain.

"So, what are you gonna do, Veronica?" asks Lilly. "Are you gonna fight for him? Finally battle your own demons and begin to heal? Or are you just gonna keep hurting both him and yourself until it's too late?"

* * *

**Christmas Morning, 2020**

Veronica wakes with a start. She shoots up in bed, trying to catch her breath. She's sweating, her head spinning. What the fuck just happened? It had to be a nightmare, right? It was just a horrid, twisted nightmare.

"Logan!" she gasps out, her head whipping towards his side of the bed.

It's empty. But not like in her dream... or whatever that was last night. No, this time, the covers are pulled back, the sheets slept in, and the pillow still displays the indent of his head.

"Logan," she mutters quickly, sliding out of the bed. She needs to see him.

Reaching for his shirt, the one she discarded on the floor last night, she frowns, realising it's not there. Then she looks down at herself: she's already wearing it. Just like in her dream.

"Was it—?" She shakes her head quickly. "No, it can't have been real." But as she steps out of the bed, she notices there's dirt on her feet. "What the—? Oh God. No...no, no, no."

Her stomach rolls and lurches and her hand comes to her mouth as she makes a run for the bathroom. She empties her stomach into the toilet bowl, her head spinning as she tries to process what the fuck is happening right now.

"Veronica?" She hears Logan's voice call from down the hallway as she hauls herself upright again and fills a glass with water. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," she calls back, before rinsing out her mouth. "I'm fine."

She brushes her teeth and tries to make herself look presentable, before heading out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, where Logan is busy preparing breakfast.

"Merry Christmas." He looks over at her with concern. "Are you all right?"

Veronica opens her mouth to assure him she is—about to use the excuse that it must have been 'something she ate'—but before she can get any words out, the memories from last night return in full force and a lump rises in her throat. Before she can think about it, she closes the distance between them and wraps her arms tightly around him, burying her head in his chest and holding on for dear life.

Logan's arms come around her immediately and she feels his lips press against the crown of her head as he returns the tight embrace.

"What's—?" he starts, sounding confused, but Veronica just shakes her head against his chest.

"Don't. Just hold me."

"Okay."

They stand together like that in the kitchen for several long moments, before Veronica finally pulls away, unable to stop the tears forming in her eyes as she looks up at Logan with determination.

"I love you," she says firmly.

"I know you do," he murmurs, lifting a hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. "I love you, too."

"No, I mean it, Logan," she insists. "I _love _you. With all my heart. I always have and I always will. And I know I don't say it… or show it… enough, but I do."

Logan frowns, probably at the uncharacteristically emotional confession falling from her lips. "Are you sure everything's okay?"

"Yes." She nods quickly, but then stops, thinking about it for a moment. "No, wait. Everything's _not_ okay. Because _we're_ not okay."

"What are you saying?"

"Don't pretend you don't know it, Logan," she says. "Things haven't been great between us lately. We've been fighting more, and I've been pushing you away."

"I mean, all couples have their ups and downs, right?"

"No, it's more than that," she insists. "I've been shitty to you, and I'm really sorry. I don't mean to put you down, it's just, I see how much progress you're making, with Jane, and you know, life in general, and it makes me realise how fucked up I am… and then I get all defensive about it and I take it out on you. And that's not fair."

Logan blinks, his arms loosening around her as he takes a small step back, looking at her in wonder. "Wow. What brought this on?"

Veronica hesitates for a moment. "Let's just say that I had a dream last night—more like a nightmare, actually—and it put some things into perspective for me."

"Really?"

"I meant what I said, Logan. I love you more than anything," she tells him sincerely. "I don't ever want to lose you from my life. I don't even know what I'd do if—"

She stops, a tell-tale lump rising in her throat again. She swallows it down, blinking back her tears, vowing to continue without breaking down.

"I want to make this—us—work, I _need_ to make it work," she says, almost desperately now.

"Okay." He nods. "I need that too, because I can't bear the thought of ever having to live without you again."

Her tears finally start falling at that, and Logan pulls her close again, the warmth of his arms around her and body pressed against her causing the floodgates to open even wider.

"This isn't easy for me to admit, but I think maybe you had a point before."

"About?"

"About therapy," she mumbles into his shirt. "About me—us—going to therapy."

"Really?" He sounds shocked. "Are you serious?"

"I'm messed up, Logan. We both know that. I've never actually dealt with everything that happened to me, and I think it's about time I fixed that."

He inhales deeply, then lets out the breath slowly. "Well, fuck me."

His disbelieving tone makes her give a small chuckle, and she reaches up to swat at his chest. "Hey!"

He pulls back then, and looks down at her soberly. "Are you really serious about this?"

She nods, though it takes an effort not to turn away and go into denial mode. "I am. We need to fix us. And I need to fix _me_. Before it's too late."

He looks worried. "What did you _see_ in that dream?"

She sucks in a shaky breath, before lifting her hands and cupping his cheeks. Rising up on tiptoes, their mouths barely an inch apart, she whispers, "I love you."

And then she kisses him.

He responds immediately, deepening the kiss as his tongue dips inside her mouth, and sweeping her up into his arms. He lifts her up onto the kitchen counter with ease, his hands cupping her bare butt cheeks, squeezing her flesh playfully as he manoeuvres himself between her legs. His hands slide around to the tops of her thighs, before sliding his fingers down between them, stroking her warm skin. The touch sends tingles along her nerves and she gasps, rocking her hips toward him. As his fingers slide up towards her centre, she grabs at his shirt, desperate to rid him of the offending article, so she can feel his hard muscles pressing against her. She's just managed to get it over his head when two of his fingers slip between her folds and slide up into her wet heat.

"Yes," she groans, then sucks in a sharp breath when his thumb brushes over her clit. "Right there."

With a knowing smirk—one she's always loved, but for some reason has been irritating her lately… not anymore, she vows—he expertly works her up, until her fingers are clawing at his back and she's begging for release. He doesn't give her the satisfaction though, and instead withdraws his hand, pushes down his boxers, and with a shit-eating grin, he grasps hold of her hips, opening her legs wider to him, and slides home.

Unlike their recent couplings—last night, for example—Veronica doesn't take him, or his love for her, for granted. This time, she lets herself experience every single feeling and emotion. She takes the time to really cherish and savour every touch and caress he bestows upon her body, and in return, uses her mouth and tongue and hands… her whole body, in fact… to show him just how much he means to her, just how much she loves and wants and needs him.

She can't lose him again. Can't let him die. Whatever is, or was, supposed to happen on March 24th 2020, she will _not_ let it happen.

She will do anything she has to, to fix whatever's wrong with their relationship right now, and to keep him alive for many more years to come.


End file.
